Xmas Letter 2016

2016 is ending as I sit here attempting to write a short letter about our year. Fortunately (as far as dumb letters are concerned) we had an eventful year so there’s a lot to write about. The only question now is do I write this chronologically or by person? As if I can remember the order things happened. I’ll just make some stuff up or borrow some stories I find on the internet.

What have we been up to that’s so exciting? Well for starters we got one of the kids out of the house (YAY!)………and she moved back in (shit!)…..and she moved back out (YAY!). So yeah, Reilly is a big girl now, working a big girl job, making big girl money, with big girl responsibilities. The worst thing she did to me this year was make me go car shopping with her. We spent all day looking at cars she liked. And at the last car lot of the day I ended up buying a car for myself. What. The. Hell. Just happened? What did I ever do to deserve that kind of decision making? I still tolerate her in my life though, she babysits Nick.

In another incredible turn of events Nathan got a job (Dairy Queen). Yeah, you read that right, Nathan got a job and as he puts it, makes “mad cash”. I suppose for a single, live at yo momma’s house kind of guy he probably does make decent money. He’s actually embraced working beyond anything I expected. He frequently calls in to see if anyone no-showed or if he can otherwise pick up a shift. Although it could be the case that he’d rather be slinging burgers than stay at home getting in trouble for not doing chores. On a personal level he has been hanging out with a girl “friend” as of late which has been good for him. I guess we’ll see how that mad cash holds up.

Nicholas turned 8 this year. That means he’s still operating as a decent human being and is generally fun to be around. I dread the monster morph that happens in a few short years, although he’ll probably have it easy by then. Bernie and I will be too old to care and Nathan and Reilly will have worn us out. Doesn’t matter, I plan to ship him off to wherever they happen to be living as much as possible. He’s pretty busy though playing soccer, flag football, basketball, and doing dance. I wish someone had told me about the female-to-male ratio in dance when I was younger.

In another bout of questionable decision making we picked up a dog “for Nathan” back in April. A black lab puppy to be exact. She’s been a……I don’t know what the word is……oh wait, yes I do. She’s a pain in the ass. But the kids like her and she wags her tail and acts excited to see me which is more than I can say for the other creatures in my house.

For Bernadette it’s been an exciting year of opportunity and accomplishment. Of course she continues to get straight A’s and is on all of the honor rolls. Summa cum laude here we come! She recently joined the local yacht club and quickly rose to become a member of their board of directors. Unfortunately she has had to cut back on her volunteer hours at the homeless shelter as a result. She also decided in August that she was taking a break from doing any housework and that we had too much money in savings. She announced her decision by breaking her right leg (spiral fractured tibia, non-displaced fibula). All seriousness aside, she did not enjoy one-legged life. Fortunately (or maybe unfortunately), I was able to do quite a bit of work from home to help out. And clean. And do kid shit. And clean. Not to be outdone, and because titanium rods are cheap these days, Nathan fell out of his friend’s truck and broke his wrist. I got so I was on a first name basis with the orthopedic staff.

I didn’t write a letter last year (YAY!) so I now bring you random things from 2015. Bernadette and I took a trip to Mexico for her 40th birthday. I learned that mistranslating is a great way to negotiate.
     Me: ¿cuánto cuesta?
     Seller: ciento cincuenta (150)
     Me (to Bernie): 55!
     Seller: (annoyed grunt) cien? (100)
And before you ask, no I don’t speak Spanish. I know just enough to do dumb things like ask how much something costs but not understand the answer.

In June (still in 2015 if you can’t keep up) Reilly graduated from high school. We had a party for her and then we started collecting rent. It was glorious. I should charge everyone in my house rent, including the dog. Later that summer Nathan got his driver’s license. I don’t have anything more to say about that…it’s not even that interesting, just need to fill space yo.

Somewhere in between some friends from my grad school years paid us a visit on their return trip from Alaska. It was great to see them however short the visit was. I keep hoping another (nameless) grad school friend will visit sometime but he went and sexed a bunch of kids into existence so I’m not holding my breath.

We also took separate fall vacations with Bernie and Nick going to Disneyland and Nathan and I heading to Montana to hunt for deer. Both were successful trips, Nick got himself some souvenirs and Nathan got himself some deer. Reilly couldn’t participate, she had to work (gotta make mad cash to pay those mad bills). She kind of hates adulthood.

This letter is starting to drift towards insanely boring. That is my cue. Adios.

Xmas Letter 2014

Last year I took a hiatus from writing this letter, I was hoping to parlay that into a regular thing. Alas, the wife nags so here I sit. My only promise is to make an effort, I may not complete this. You might be reading an illegal copy.

The nice thing about not writing a letter last year is I have more material to work with and we might have accomplished what seems like something worthy of writing about (not likely). The downside is I’ve forgotten double the amount. Don’t worry, I’ll just make some stuff up or borrow from stories I find on the internet.

So where to start? I guess I’ll start with me, because, well I’m writing the goddam letter and the important stuff goes first. Since we last communicated I’ve managed to break my (right) wrist twice. The second time I didn’t get an x-ray after the incident. Bernadette kept insisting so 5 weeks later I went in and yep, it was broken. Ok fine, I admit it, she’s right once in a while. Hey the Seahawks won the Super Bowl, it was the year of miracles. On a brighter note, I picked up a side gig teaching online classes for Villanova (shout out to Ginamarie for hooking a brother up). The extra money is nice, but the real perk is I get to say I work two jobs to keep food on our table.

Bernadette might argue that she has a job. She makes and sells crafts (towels, blankets, clothespin families, etc.). I’m pretty sure she spends more than she makes, and though I was not a business major I do believe that to be a non-optimal model. She is still heavily involved in the local bitch-about-husband club. Eh…who am I kidding, I’m sure the last thing the ladies want to do when they get together is think or talk about husbands. I don’t have much else to report.

Like the rest of us the kids continue to get older. Case in point: I recently went out to lunch and when done I could not find my keys. Not only were they in the car, the car was running. Is almost 40 the new 60? At least I got to return to a nice and warm car. Anyway, Reilly turned 18 this year (full disclosure: she turned 17 last year when I didn’t write a letter) and is a senior in high school. She’s definitely had the busiest life over the past 24 months. In that time she has gotten a job, bought a car, and who knows what else. She’s also convinced she is capable of moving out and supporting herself now. LOL, ok.

I had a hard time digging up anything for Nathan. Maybe it’s a middle child problem, not the first to reach milestones, not the baby. Or maybe he’s just boring. He’s 15, in high school, and has his driver’s permit. Surprisingly he’s a cautious driver. Think of your grandma driving, now think of a driver slow and cautious enough to send your grandma into road rage. Now imagine an old lady yelling at Nathan. You’re picturing Bernadette. Nathan has actually made some great strides in the last year, he’s doing much better in school, and he takes showers without being asked. I think he even brushes his teeth semi-regularly. Despite his up-to-this-point poor dental hygiene he has managed to only have one cavity.

Nick, on the other hand, has had numerous cavities despite being the child we most diligently cared for his teeth. Genetics I guess. Obviously at his age Nick has changed the most, he’s 6 now. I don’t recall the specifics at this point, but late one night Bernie and I were woken by him marching up and down the hall playing a harmonica. You might think we got up, took it away, and put him in bed. You’d be wrong. We asked him to play quietly and went back to sleep. Who has time to argue with a 5 year old at 2 a.m.? He can be pretty charming. At McDonald’s one day he somehow managed to convince them to give him the entire toy display on the wall. A few weeks ago I was waking Nathan up and Nick was with me. Above Nathan’s bed is a poster of 8 or so girls in bikini’s, away from the camera looking back toward it. In my attempt to engage him I asked Nathan “which one do you like?” Nick promptly responds “I like the blue one, I want to lay on her butt.” Yep, we’re a high class family.

In February my mom moved in with us. This was Bernie’s idea. Women be crazy. The kids really enjoyed having her around, Nick in particular. After getting a feel for the area and saving some money she got an apartment just down the road in November. The kids spend a lot of time there and she keeps Nick overnight once a week or so. It’s been great. I still can’t lounge around the house in my underwear though. One day.

[Skip this section if you did not attend OU]
A while back I had the pleasure of making a trip to Oklahoma for Mallen’s wedding where I was able to see some great friends. Thanks for letting me crash at your place Ethan. Also, a friend from grad school made a cross country road trip from Rhode Island to Seattle and paid us a visit. Everyone should have a yearly dose of Tony to maintain good health. In related news, I just learned that Gina and Derek will be visiting next summer, although apparently they can only stop by for 6.47 hours in accordance with the itinerary. That’s not long enough Derek!
[/boring section for non-OU people]

Other events of note that come to mind: Bernie took me to a Pearl Jam concert for my birthday last year. It was fabulous. I took the kids Montana the summer of 2013 for a week. It was a nice trip (I made Reilly drive a lot more than she wanted). We’re heading out there again this year for Christmas, looking forward to some guaranteed snow. We took a week long family vacation this past summer to a “resort” in central Washington. The only things to do there were drink, swim in the pool, drink, golf, drink, and drink. I cannot recommend this type of vacation enough.

Oh, and for those of you keeping track, I was not able to keep the Christmas lights up all year. I believe I was forced to take them down in June. Of course, I hoped against all odds that I wouldn’t have to put them back up again.

Alas, the wife nags.

Xmas Letter 2012

How many ways can you spin a letter and keep it interesting? The format is basically the same: talk about the people in my family, what they did, what makes them unique/fun/interesting/whatever, mention a couple big events, summarize everything, and sign off. As the kids get older the task gets more difficult: they’re still doing the same shit they did last year, and we’re really not that interesting.

I remember doing things, just not if they were this year, so you may get recycled stories. I apologize for nothing. Besides, let’s be honest, you don’t really care whether these things happened or not. We did take a trip to Arizona last spring, which I wrote about (read it here on the blog) so I won’t go into detail.

Reilly turned 16 this year. She just passed the written test and is scheduled to take the drive on the 26th. I didn’t remind her that the world is ending before then, I’m trying to save on insurance. Earlier this year she somehow tricked us into getting her two kittens. Great, now I have MORE dependent creatures in my house. I recently learned she has taken to tweeting some of the things I say around the house. My favorite: "Daddy needs a beer so he doesn’t kill his children." Best thing to come out of her mouth this year: “When you guys were my age you didn’t care how you looked…I know, I’ve seen the pictures”. Touché.

Nathan has changed quite a bit this year: he’s a pain in the ass teenager now. I mean that. He is still playing football and is actually not half bad. Last year he tried violin. You might wonder how that went. Let’s just say at his performance I learned that he is an excellent (read: awful) air-violinist. He did produce one nugget of wisdom though. When it was discovered that Whitney Houston drowned in her tub with drugs in her system his response was: “that’s why you don’t take baths”. For those of you who read the Arizona write up and are curious, yes, we did find stripper cards throughout the year hidden in his room.

I believe Nick has lost his place as least irritating child this year (Reilly has started to settle down some, but it's close). Not to worry, Nathan has his place on lockdown. This year we finally managed to get Nick potty trained, emphasis on the potty part (that’s my way of nicely saying he still won’t shit in the toilet). He’s 4 for crying out loud. I suppose there are worse things in life. And frankly we’re kind of lazy about it anyway, though I mostly blame Bernadette. He did take a liking to super heroes this year, in particular Batman. He spent almost the entire summer wearing a batman mask and matching pajamas. Even when we went out, the only break from the mask was bed time (there was no break from the pajamas, we had to buy a couple sets). You have no idea how jealous this made me. I want to walk around like that.

Bernadette had a list of all sorts of things her and the kids did this year. I didn’t find them interesting, I can only assume you wouldn’t either. If you ever talk to her do me a favor and say it was cool to hear what we were up to (hint: she mentioned something about trips to Canada, Seattle, and Canon Beach with her friends). We did celebrate our 15 year wedding anniversary this year (please don’t do the math on Reilly’s age).

So what’s new in my life? Well for starters, I’ve been drinking a lot more. I’ve also come up with new and creative ways to get out of housework. It’s an art really. My biggest accomplishment this year was avoiding taking the Christmas lights down from last year long enough that we reached the point at which doing so would be foolish. Despite what you might think, this is a noteworthy triumph.

Cheers.

Vacation Like a Boss

My family doesn’t take many extended vacations, but when we do, we do it in style. Like in 2009 when we went to tropical Oklahoma. How many people do you know vacation to Oklahoma? That’s right, not many and you know why? Because it’s for the elite. I will spare you the details of our glamorous vacations and fast forward to 2012 where my wife’s parents are living in Geriatricville, Arizona. They would like us to visit them during spring break and they will pay for our trip down, however there is a catch. They want us to haul the rest of their belongings down in a U-Haul trailer. Oh, and my mother-in-law would be riding back with us. Who wouldn’t jump at the chance to drive 26 hours to Arizona with 3 kids, a trailer, a wife and her mother? I can name one person but I digress.

Thursday (the day before we leave the house) was the start of bad omens. To start, Bernadette backed into another car after dropping the kids off at school only to be followed by me backing into a pillar as I was leaving work. Later I had quite a bit of difficulty getting ready for my soccer game. First I put my shin guards on the wrong legs, then it took me multiple attempts to get my socks on correctly. I threw on my hoodie and left only to realize as I got in the car it was on backwards. At this point I gave up and left it, let’s just hope I don’t run into anyone on my way.

Normally when I travel I do a modicum of planning (sometimes even more): departure times, routes, stops, overnight destinations, and so on. But now the departure grew closer and I hadn’t done a single shred of planning, I didn’t even know what geographic part of Arizona we were heading to. Even on the day we left I hadn’t packed when I woke up (Bernie: “have you packed yet?”, me: “not even mentally”). So Friday evening we head to Puyallup to pick up the trailer (hopefully loaded) and my mother in law. We are only about 20 miles into the drive when we hit a traffic jam. Are you kidding me? There is NEVER traffic in this area. Someone is trying to tell me something. Fortunately, the rest of the drive is fairly uneventful and we hope to get an early Saturday start to the journey. Except Nick napped for most of the drive. Like most kids his age (3), he’s going to be up late after a long, late nap (true to form he thinks the air mattress is his personal trampoline as we are trying to sleep).

Saturday morning arrives too early and we oversleep (another omen?). Oh well, I get everyone up and gather my things, except I can’t find the sweatshirt I brought for the cool northwest morning. I take the bags out to the Yukon and lo and behold there is my sweatshirt…..on the ground…..wet from the rain (have I mentioned omens?). Apparently my wife, for reasons she doesn’t recall, took it outside and left it…….on the ground. WTF?

So the kids are in the car and we’re ready to leave. As I get in I am greeted by crying. Not from the 3 year old mind, you but the 12 year old, apparently slapped by his sister. We.Haven’t.Even.Left (insert omen reference). We stopped at a local grocery store to get some muffins and a coffee. Apparently the deli at this grocery store is a breakfast Mecca for old people. It was truly bizarre, I wasn’t sure what to make of it. After an exceedingly long time we hit the road with our muffins and bad coffee.

The remainder of the day went quite smoothly, nobody cried, we didn’t have to make many stops and we checked into a motel in Sacramento. I drove the entire way. We grab some Little Caesar’s for dinner and Reilly takes allergy medicine so Bernie asks her if she hadn’t already taken one today. Turns out this was her third one in less than 24 hours and the bottle says not to exceed one. Great, now I get to call Poison Control and make public my poor parenting skills. Whose idea was this anyway? (Long story short everything was fine). Nick was absolutely fabulous in the car, turns out he’s a road warrior. The only catch was he took several naps. Guess who is going to be up late? (hint: not me, I’m the driver).

I wake up at 5:45, Reilly is in bed with me, Nathan with my mother in law, while Bernie and Nick are on the floor (apparently he was up until 3 a.m.). I look around and notice the contents of all the bags seem to have exploded all over the room. When I travel, my bag is pretty much in bugout-ready status when I go to sleep. It is going to take a long time for everyone to gather their things. Ugh, these are not my people.

On roughly 3 hours sleep Nick is a bit grouchy. Bernie is offering him various things like milk and crackers (his response to each “no milk!”, “no crackers!”). Finally she says “are you going to be pissy?” to which he yells “NO PISSY!”. I take this as toddler-speak for “get in the car and leave me alone woman”. Fist-bump for Nick. We finally hit the road an hour after waking up (an hour! Remind me to not road trip with these people again) and it’s not long before everyone is asleep except for Nick and me. Road warrior. At least I have my MP3 player (note: not an iPod, I absolutely refuse on principle).

Thankfully most of the day is uneventful, although with a couple extended stops to let Nick out I watch as my estimated arrival (per the GPS) changes from 6:30pm to 9:00pm. This is certainly not like the road trips of my youth which were fueled by Copenhagen, Coca-Cola, and 90 second bathroom stops.

The last 20 minutes of the drive are spent laboriously keeping Nick awake, if he naps now he will certainly be up all night. We finally arrive at 9:00, we’re all pretty tired. Except for Nick. Even though he was struggling to stay awake mere minutes before he is now running laps around the house, he even manages to get outside and into the neighbor’s garage. Not my problem, I drove, my job is done and I’m going to bed.

I spent the next 5 days in various states of drunkenness so someone else will have to write about what we did and if we enjoyed it. I remember sunshine, swimming pools, and using large quantities of lotion to keep my skin from drying out.

For our return journey we told the kids we would spend a day in Las Vegas. This was the part of the trip for which they (the older two) were most excited. Mind you, their idea of Vegas is entirely based on what they’ve seen in movies (which included The Hangover, so yeah, totally accurate). Reilly said all she wanted to do was find a hooker. Hey, me too!


We left early on Saturday and made it to Vegas by 11 am. During this portion of the trip I got my only driving reprieve, a whopping 2 hours. The kids had a good time there but it was a long day for us. Las Vegas on a Saturday during spring break is not my kind of place. The highlight for the older kids was the stripper cards handed out on the street (you know, good old fashion wholesome family fun! I just cleared a spot on the mantle for my Father of the Year Trophy). I don’t know how many Nathan hid away but I imagine I will be finding them hidden in various places in his room over the next year or so.

The rest of the trip was fairly pedestrian. I don’t think Nick cried one single time during the entire drive either way. The only humorous thing that happened was during our stay in Somewhere, Oregon when I called the front desk to ask what the Wi-Fi access key was. The old lady actually said to me “Wi….Fi…..I don’t know what that is”. Great. Oh well, not my problem, I drove, my job is done and I’m going to bed.

All told we spent over 50 hours in the car.

And that, ladies and gentleman, is what vacation dreams are made of.

Xmas Letter 2011

For the love of all that’s Holy I’ll write the goddamn letter.

I’ve been battling a kidney stone for the last 10 days. At one point Bernadette suggested I name it, the same Bernadette who has been nagging me to write this letter. This nagging was familiar so I aptly named the stone Bernie. This dual-purpose letter is also serving as an announcement for the arrival of baby Bernie, born 12-13 at 5:43 pm. In lieu of gifts I am accepting pay pal towards furnishing a nursery.

So, what has the Leritz clan been up to this year? Hell if I can remember. I know I worked today, I assume the kids went to school, and Bernadette probably did something really useful around the house. OG Bernie and I had a nice getaway to Leavenworth this summer. We chose it because there isn’t a ton to do there unlike other vacations where you run yourself ragged with activities. Typical day was wake up at 10, eat a little something, go wine tasting, get tipsy, flirt with wine server lady, retire to hotel for nap, wake up at 5, more wine, dinner, back to bed. A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. It was a much needed vacation shortly after we lost a baby (Jack). We buried him with my step dad, he’s resting quietly (which by default makes him my favorite child).

We made a family trip to Disneyland in February. It was almost as relaxing as our other trip. Almost. The kids had fun despite the fact that we had a tough balancing act between 2 year old activities and teenager level rides (don’t tell Bernie but Reilly and I snuck in an extra ride on the Tower of Terror and blamed our absence on long lines).

Reilly started high school this year. It’s a mixed bag of good and “when are you moving out?” The good is she’s being more responsible about getting her own stuff done. The rest is, well, she’s a f**king teenager. Also her homework is quickly exceeding my skills. I’m finding myself relegated to coming up with good search terms for the porn machine google. I had to text her and ask if she did anything useful this year. No response. I should just copy/paste last year’s paragraph about her and be done with it.

Nathan is in his last year of elementary. He’s still the same mess-making, odorific boy he was last year. I believe his shower count might have hit double digits this year! Ahhh progress. He spent some time in Montana with my dad this summer (what a glorious 10 days that was at our house). He started playing the violin in the school orchestra and recently had his first concert. I’m pretty sure I saw him doing the equivalent of mouthing the words (violin-ing the notes?) on more than one occasion. Nathan opted to play soccer this fall. I have nothing else to say about that. At least his homework is still on my level.

I was fortunate to attend a conference last spring in Chicago where I got to hang out with some of my favorite people in the world (shout outs: Ginamarie, Jazmine, Sam, Mallen). It had been far too long. A few unnamed jerks and (and one spouse) were unable to attend. It continues to be far too long.

Holy shit I almost forgot Nick! Nick is remarkable. He started school right after his 3rd birthday. He is now multiplying 2 digit numbers, reading at a 3rd grade level, he is learning piano and cooked his first meal. I am not sure why I even bother with the other kids. I wonder what they’d go for on craigslist? Don’t get me wrong, Nick’s not perfect. We had to have a second round of tubes put in his ears as he had fluid/drainage problems. Can’t wait for that bill to come in the mail.

Other minutiae include Bernie’s parents staying with us on and off this summer as they were up from Arizona. It was nice having them here (alright Margie….was that sarcasm or not?). Unfortunately their stay was extended (let me finish before you answer that question Margie!) when Walt was in a nasty wreck where he suffered some severe injuries. We had two car accidents of our own, though they were merely being rear-ended in the Yukon which holds up quite well and in fact inflicts some heavy damage. Oh I suppose I should mention that Walt is recovering well (although at the time of this writing he is back in Washington for the holidays which likely corresponds to increased pain and misery).

I wonder if I have written enough to satisfy the reader. I probably don’t care. And about half of what I’ve said is made up anyway (hint: it’s the nice stuff). So in closing I’d like to wish you a blippity blah blah whatever ramble ramble random real words hey this is starting to look like a sentence and if I keep writing it will make the letter longer and you will think it has more stuff in it when really this is just a run-on nonsense sentence and I wonder how long until you give up on reading it back to random blah something fart joke words with fiends I don’t think I will make another paragraph, or even sentence for that matter, which makes me wonder if I should include any punctuation at all, well I suppose commas and quotes are cool so yeah they get to stay in even though Im not using them in a consistent matter I wonder if you think I misspelled friends or if you even noticed at all (hint: I didnt….oh shit do parentheses count as punctuation) well I’m spent.

That’s enough, non?

Have a good whatever you celebrate
The Leritz Family

Xmas Letter 2010

I tried and I tried, but I couldn’t get out of writing this letter. Bernie wanted nothing to do with that idea. Many different approaches were employed: procrastination, being a jerk, being really nice, gifts (such as nice stripper heels), forgetfulness, laziness, etc. All failed, which is strange, since men aren’t like that in daily life, you think she would have taken a hint from such odd behavior. So here I am, writing this letter. Unfortunately for you I am going to employ my final tactic of rambling for 15 minutes and signing the bottom. By 15 minutes I mean typing time, not reading time. If it takes you 15 minutes to read this please consider purchasing yourself “Your Baby Can Read”.

First a bit of sad news. After a long battle with pulmonary fibrosis my step father passed away in September. It was quite a sad time for all of us, and in fact still is. It will be a strange holiday season without him there to bitch and moan about all the decorations and hoopla. As a final practical joke he passed away just a few days after my wife received a flu shot (one that she reacted to and ended up in the ER) that she got just because of his condition. He always enjoyed making her life difficult.

Bernie got herself more involved in the Mom’s group this year, managing to get elected President (suck it Palin, we can see Canada from our house!). Now she has even more people to order around. It really is a dream come true. We were quite fortunate this year taking two child-free getaways. We went to Vegas in the spring for 4 days. Although there weren’t nearly enough strippers for my taste, we had a nice relaxing time and drank our share of rum (or at least I did). We were also extremely fortunate to go on a chartered fishing trip to the west coast of BC in the summer. It was the single best week we ever spent together. Perhaps my 8 salmon to her meager 7 had something to do with that. Other than that, we’re still married, still tolerate each other, Bernie talks, I pretend to listen and agree to things I’m not paying attention to, get in trouble for not following through and that’s the way we like it.

The kids have been up to their standard shenanigans. Reilly played soccer in the spring, and I guess she just hung out the rest of the year because I don’t recall attending any other events for her. Oh, she recently got her braces taken off, so I guess that’s something. Reilly recently turned 14 and has taught me many things about teenage girls that I never wanted to know. Someone wake me up when she’s 20. But in all seriousness, she’s a good kid. I just want to kill her from time to time. On the positive side she started babysitting regularly this year and has been pulling in some dough. Although she doesn’t appreciate the taxes and finder’s fees we decided to implement. I informed her even after that she is making a year’s salary in some countries. For some reason that did not placate her.

Nathan was voted child most likely to be strangled by Bernie this year. He is highly proficient at making a massive mess in record time. You can follow a trail of crumbs, clothes, and dirt to determine his morning routine. We breed talent at our house. He tried baseball for the first time this summer. I’m pretty sure he’s not going to play again. I can’t say I blame him, those kids don’t have a lot of control and some of them can throw pretty hard. Nathan must have earned some award for player most hit-by-pitch. I always knew he was good at getting in the way. However, he got back into his groove when football started. He played on the same team as last year and they went undefeated and won the championship. He’s currently playing basketball and really likes it (because practice is so easy compared to football – yeah he’s lazy). Both kids are in school (8th and 5th grade), they have homework which often turns into dad-work….didn’t I finish school years ago? I just want to watch TV and pretend nobody else is here, I can’t remember how to solve for X.

That leaves little Nick. He has been a wonderful addition to our house (that makes him sound like curtains or something, if only he was that easy). Of course he’s still at a cute age. Give it a couple years and I’m sure he will be jockeying for Nathan’s title. I will say having older kids I have an appreciation for him…and a plan of action. I figure if I ignore him from an early age he’ll just think of me as some old guy who is around in the evenings (and not the guy who is useful for things). He is a pretty good little kid though. He’s definitely a momma’s boy right now, not surprising since he spends most of the day with mom. He also loves the babysitter…..err….I mean…uhh….watching Toy Story and Cars. We got him Buzz and Woody toys recently and he literally takes them everywhere with him. He does normal two-year old stuff: eat, do something cute, run, poop, do something cute, cry, do something cute, write on the wall.

Random other things accomplished this year: purchased a trampoline, the kids went to week-long summer camp (I cannot recommend this enough to parents everywhere…if only they had a wife camp too), various (expensive) things around the house breaking, Bernie’s parents moved to Arizona (the party after they left was amazing),

Well it finally happened, I breached the one page limit I usually set for myself on this letter. For that I apologize. But just like my Christmas wish (strippers), I guess disappointment is part of life. So there you have it, the 2010 accomplishments of the Leritz family. Please don’t despair if your life doesn’t measure up. We are, after all, amazing.

Xmas Letter 2009

Apparently this letter has become somewhat infamous. If that’s true, I want to know just one thing: where are my groupies? Do you realize the pressure I now face in writing this? I sure picked a bad year to quit sniffing glue.

Being the super awesome All-American family that we are it’s going to be difficult keeping this letter under 3 pages while squeezing in all of our accomplishments.

Reilly and Nathan both went to week-long summer camp this year. It was the most awesome thing ever (I have no idea if they liked it or not and I don’t care, they’re going again next year). Both kids played soccer in the spring, Reilly played again in the fall while Nathan played tackle football for the first time. At one point during the season he informed me he was the back up to the 3rd string QB. Not to brag, but I attribute that purely to genetics. Neither of them played any musical instruments this year. However, we just attended the Holiday Program for Nathan’s school. When the band played I’m pretty sure I heard a cat being murdered.

Reilly turned 13 and started middle school this year (7th grade). Holy shit. We had a coed birthday party for her, it was loud and at one point one of the boys was wearing a bra. Send your boy to our house, we’ll have him cross dressing in no time! Of course being her age she has her own cell phone. Curious about her texting habits we took a look at the monthly account summary. In one month her send-receive tally was over 7,500. Let me say that another way: seven thousand five hundred….in one month. God bless unlimited texting plans.

Nathan is still incapable of cleaning his room and I’m not sure he knows what a bar of soap looks like. He is great with Nick though, so we let him stick around rent free. He is 10 now and in the 4th grade this year and recently joined the Math Olympiad so at some point he’ll be going to math competitions.

Little Nick turned 1 this year and for some reason hasn’t started school yet. However, of the 3 kids, he actually accomplished the most. There may be hope yet. He went from a drooling, pooping, good-for-¬nothing meat sack to a walking, pooping, get-into-everything meat sack. He also cost us a ton of money in medical bills (ear infections and tubes). Maybe I should rethink my criteria for best kid. While he doesn’t say much yet (a good thing in my opinion, who wants to hear kids anyway) his first two-word phrase was “Holy Crap”. He was mimicking me – Father of the Year. According to Kanye he’s the cutest, smartest baby of all time. OF ALL TIME!

Bernadette continues her job as a stay at home mom. She joined a mom’s group, which I’m pretty sure is just a way for them to get together and bitch about husbands while ignoring their little ones. It’s also a great way for the babies to pass around whatever nasty disease they have that week. As a family (minus Nathan) we took a trip to Oklahoma this summer for a friend’s 30th birthday, good times were had. I know what you’re thinking: wow they are so lucky to travel to exotic places. That’s how we roll. Nathan went to Montana to stay with my dad and had an absolute blast. We also made separate road trips to Wyoming (in July) and Montana (in October) to attend services for my grandmothers who passed away. Needless to say, road trip + kids + baby + wife = putting an attorney on retainer.

Reading back through this I realize we didn’t accomplish a damn thing this year. Oh well, maybe next time.

The Leritz Family